Fertility and Me

I've been giving a lot of thought to fertility the past month or so. It is something I struggle with pretty much daily, and sometimes I don't deal well. Let me take it back for you.

I got pregnant when I was 18, almost 19. Looking back, this in itself, was a miracle. I lost that baby at 5 weeks. I only knew I was pregnant because I took a pregnancy test. If I had not done that, I wouldn't have known. After the miscarriage, that ob/gyn said I had a small ovarian cyst that would go away on its own.

After several years of being on birth control and knowing I wanted to have a baby, I stopped taking them and we started trying. After trying for a year, my ob/gyn (the old guy whose name is on the door) had me start charting my cycles. I never did see any changes in temperature or anything else that is supposed to signal ovulation, but then again, I was only 21 or 22, so what did I know?

In April of 2004, I had an ovarian cyst burst. I suspect that I had one burst earlier, while I was at work, but it wasn't quite so bad. I was in a barely staffed office, so it was a holiday of some kind, and it was some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. But, I couldn't leave, and really, it just hurt when I breathed deep or moved, so I stayed. I thought perhaps I had pulled a muscle and I don't know how I thought I could have done that by sitting on my ass all day. My gp doctor agreed. Then came the big one, the one that sent me to the ER in an ambulance in the middle of the night. And when they did all the tests, they found, not one, not two, but more. Including one the size of an orange, or a baseball, or a grapefruit. Right on my ovary. And if that one had decided to go, well, there's a good chance I would have died before getting to the hospital.

So, I go back to my ob/gyn, who refers me to someone else in his practice, someone younger. And that doctor, when he looked at the sonogram, he said "Wow, it must really hurt to have sex." He could see that it was bad. It was at this point, he made a tentative diagnosis of endometriosis, pending a laparoscopy.

I was 23. I went through chemical menopause. I was told I'd have to have a complete hysterectomy by the time I was 30 or 35. That I was infertile. After my surgery, the diagnosis was firm.

I was told I had three months to get pregnant or my chances would return to zero. I got pregnant the first try. But to hear that I would have a zero percent chance? At 23? That I'd have to have a hysterectomy by 30...

After I had my beautiful, wonderfully big child, Doc told me I should have my kids back to back. Because of that looming deadline. I told him that unless he was paying for everything and helping, he could forget it. I wanted them spaced out, every 5 years or so.

My son turns 4 in June. I have baby fever. I am, once again, infertile. I will never have a baby without medical intervention.

I have a lying body. And that's what it is, a lying body. Month after month, cycle after cycle, lying to me, making me think there's a chance. There isn't one. I feel, I am, broken. There is no hope there.

Now, now there is a possibility of another hormonal thing wrong with me. And the treatments I've already done, the pharmaceutical ones, are horrible. As in, if you put me on another SSRI, I might just actually stab myself in the chest instead of just thinking about it. Hormone treatment just makes the original endometriosis worse. Therapy has helped some, but every month, I still have these episodes. Directly related to my lying body. There is another treatment, a permanent one. To have a hysterectomy.

I am 28. I want another child, to carry it, to conceive it, to love it. I do not want to think about having a hysterectomy. I am not yet 30. I hate my lying body, but I am not ready to give up, not yet.

I look Fantastic.

I may or may not feel fantastic, but I sure as hell look it. And the day is dreary and gross, so perhaps I will bring someone some joy because I look so great.

I've been out with Repo Girl and Miss M this past weekend. That was fun. Went for drinks and then some karaoke after. And then Repo Girl and I went repoing last night and that was some freaky shit. Why? Because we went out to the rural area and that shit was dark and there were some houses straight out of Chainsaw Massacre out there. I figured out why she brought me though. She's all, "They lynch people out here" and I'm all "I know you, don't think they won't lynch me" and we start laughing. And then she makes a U-ey at one of those creepy houses and I'm all, "I'm pretty sure the white chick dies in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, too." We did find our car though and all was good. This was my first hooking so it was exciting.

Saturday was the Ordination of a close family friend, so I went to that. It was awesome! (Minus the whole part where I got a bit turned on. I mean, for Chuck's sake, I was in church.) I'd never been to an Ordination before and it was very positive and moving. And honestly, I love her so much and think she's a great person, so she'll make a phenomenal priest.

I know there is a video of me doing Detachabe Penis at karaoke, but Panda made it private so I can't link it. Yes, I did Detachable Penis. Because, how awesome is that? And then I got up with another friend and did Achy Breaky Heart. Sadly, JPanda was not there to pick my songs and so I was left with Repo Girl to help me pick. And she listens to some right shit. Like, I like Madonna, but only 80s/early 90s Madonna, not mid-90s/early 00's mediocre Madonna. I also realise I am a gay man in a woman's body. OH! I got invited to a gay bar for the first time ever Saturday, but didn't go because I wasn't feeling very well. I was tired. But that's the first time a gay dude has invited me to go! I am sorry I missed it.

So, there's a slight update. I need to remember to write, I'm just such a damn private person that this is sometimes hard, you know?

It was over before it even began.

A reminder for the future:

Do not announce your happiness as it will turn out to be fleeting.

Merry 2009, y'all!

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Also, I am feeling better. Thank you.

"Prayer"
Galway Kinnell

Whatever happens. Whatever
what is is is what
I want. Only that. But that.

_______________________________________________________


“Divorce”
Jack Gilbert

Woke up suddenly thinking I heard crying.
Rushed through the dark house.
Stopped, remembering. Stood looking
out at bright moonlight on concrete.

________________________________________________________


"Two Cures For Love"
Wendy Cope

1. Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: get to know him better.

__________________________________________________________


"On Joy and Sorrow"
Kahlil Gibran

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the self same well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

_______________________________________________________

the silver blade calls out to me
"i can make it stop, take it all away"
in truth, i don't know the truth.
i no longer know wrong from right.
my heart is no longer mine, it is breaking, each day more and more.
to wait is pain.
to let go is death.
i see the crimson ribbons streak across the white.

Happy Christmas!

Snow? WTD is that?

I think it is snowing again. I know it was snowing an hour ago because I was standing in it and looking like an idiot trying to catch snow flakes on my tongue. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? I think so. I could be wrong I guess. I only remember it snowing here.....um, never. I vaguely remember snow on the ground but not falling once. And the other two times I've seen snow falling from the sky was two different visits to Connecticut. Yeah.

I am only semi-digging Josh Groban's Christmas album. Quit deucing up my songs, fool. Damn. Even Alvin and the Chipmunks don't mess them up. Oh, wait. That's my basis for comparison. I freaking loooooove me some Chipmunks Christmas album and DVD. As in, my family tries to hide them every year. They haven't learned yet that I will go buy new ones if mine disappear. For realz.

Real update later. FOAF has pissed everyone off, to the point everyone's blowing him off. I've been hanging out with some new old friends and that may be causing a problem. I don't think creepy middle school guy who had a severe stalking crush is over it. Damn, I should have saved those texts to refer back to. Oh, well, let's hope my frozen brain remembers later!