I needed a yellow shirt to wear today. Looking in my drawer, I only had one. My Sweden shirt from a dear, dear friend. I wore it. And it made me think.

Oh, Sweden, how I miss you. I miss you like crazy. I was a complete ass to you and I regret it. I was selfish and impatient and stupid. I know that there is no going back, no forgiveness, but I wish there was.

Sweden's not just a place on a map for me. It's a person. I don't know how or why he found me, but he did. And we...well, we were friends. More than friends perhaps. Packages and letters back and forth. Marathon video calls. Pages upon pages of IMs.

And I miss him.

I had met someone new. A local idiot. I broke contact with Sweden. I was stupid. After the local idiot was gone, I reconnected, but it wasn't the same. It couldn't be. I regret that.

Even though I've moved on and so has he, each in our own lives, I miss the marathon conversations. I miss seeing his face all the time, even if he does live on the other side of the world. I miss him making fun of me for my horrible Swedish or for never being out of bed when we talked. I miss hearing how his races went, worrying if his travels were safe. But you know what? I still do that, I still worry about him. I try to track his stats during track season. I pray that he's safe during his travels. My phone password is related to him. Even if were not friends and don't talk anymore. I still look for him on messenger. Makes me sound crazy, doesn't it?

So, I miss him. I worry about him. It sucks. The last time we communicated, he had been in New York. It made me wish that we were still friends, because he could have come here. And I hope that if he ever did make it to my neck of the woods, he'd at least email me. It's hopeful thinking and I need to let it go.

But I'm keeping my shirt. And I can still tell you what time it is in Sweden just by looking at my watch. When I hear certain songs, I still think about him.

Jag är ledsen min vän och jag saknar dig.

The Wedding Playlist

When The Roughneck and I got married, I made him a mix CD for his wedding present. It was full of music I like, not so much what he likes. This is the playlist, complete with videos! Well, almost all videos. All for y'all.

I even titled it something cool, but now I can't remember what it was and The Roughneck can't actually find the CD. Oops.

January Wedding-The Avett Brothers

Use Somebody-Kings of Leon

Easy-Cory Branan (Not a video, I don't know why the only video of this song on YouTube is Ben Nichols.)

We've Only Just Begun-Gals Panic (There is no video on anything nor is there any audio of this anywhere. And I'm too lazy/inept to upload it myself. It's a cover of the Carpenters' song, just done in ska and the f-bomb makes an appearance.)

Have a Little Faith in Me-John Hiatt

Love Struck Baby-Stevie Ray Vaughan (We went to his statue on our first date because The Roughneck couldn't think of anywhere else to take me and he didn't want to take me home yet. We had our first kiss there. And our "extra" session with the wedding photographer was there.)

When It Don't Come Easy-Patty Griffin

Forver-Ben Harper

Livin' On A Prayer-Bon Jovi (OMG the hair!)

Kind and Generous-Natalie Merchant

Love Song-311

Reach Out I'll Be There-The Four Tops

The House is Rockin'-Stevie Ray Vaughan

I Got You Babe-Sonny and Cher

Make You Feel My Love-Adele

Walkaround-Cory Branan

This is how Cory is normally, live. He's awesome and I love him. You should too. (Walkaround Live Show)

I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas


And I'm currently working on two different mixes. Another one for The Roughneck and one from high school. That's the one that'll be interesting. I find it interesting that we met after a Lucero show, but there's no Lucero on the mix. There just wasn't anything good enough. Mr. Branan, on the other hand, is on there twice. Go figure. I debated explaining why I picked these songs, but if you really want to know, you'll ask, right?

xoxo,
me

Geez, y'all! How about an update?

In a nutshell:

• The Roughneck officially moved in in June. He ended up paying rent on an apartment he didn't live in and barely visited. He said it was worth it to live with me. Although, he complains about lack of closet space. ;) How much could a guy have to hang up??
  

• I got engaged in July. It was wonderful! Right before the 4th of July because he just couldn't wait. The ring is beautiful, a ruby heart. You know, because he gave me his heart in July.

• I started my fall semester of school. It was pretty hard. I had to take an anthropology class. I do not like science. Especially science classes that require a research paper on stuff I can't even understand. I got a B in that class though! Lit made me read The Awakening by Kate Chopin. If I could go back in time and meet one person, I'd meet her and ask her what it was really all about. And then shove it down her throat. I pulled a B in that class too. The other two classes were nothing to write home about.

• I joined the history society. I figure it'll look good on my transcript. Last semester I was the "extra" officer. Hey, go big or go home, right? This semester I'm the secretary. Yay, promotion!

• The Roughneck and I set a date for the wedding. Then we moved it up a couple months. The reason why is not something I want to talk about anymore. It was something that necessitated moving it, but now doesn't exist. I am trying to be ok with that and getting better at it.

• I managed to plan 95% of the wedding during December. His mom is a piece of work, let me tell you! First, she wanted to have the reception at the church. Um, no. Then at a VFW hall in BFE. Or their church in a town 45 minutes away. And then, back the the church idea, if I'd just move it to say, 10 AM, she'd pay to have the Save the Dates reprinted. I didn't have Save the Dates, I had already sent the invites! ARGH! My mom ended up paying for the reception and said I could have it wherever I wanted. I found a space and it was really cool.

• So, the wedding? January 16th. It was beautiful. Well, that's what I hear anyway. I was so nervous and happy and excited and trying not to cry that I don't remember all of it. Bits and pieces keep coming to me. Like me leaning over to The Roughneck when his brother was doing the reading and saying "Oh, yeah. I forgot he couldn't read." It was a family joke, but he is a slow reader. I'm glad he got the short one. I almost cried coming up the aisle when I saw The Roughneck and he almost did the same. My sister's boyfriend took video of our vows and gave it to us. It was so pretty! It made me cry and I'm tearing up right now. In the video, you can see how nervous I was and how I almost lost it. The Roughneck crossed his eyes though and it made me laugh. As a matter of fact, I giggled through the whole thing practically. It's my nervous tic.
  

• Lots of people came. All of his friends, his brother from out of state, his niece from out of town. Not all of my people got to come and I was disappointed. I had wanted at least 1 person from my dad's family to show up, but none of them could make it. L&C couldn't make it either, but it was like she was there anyway. My iPod started playing an entire album of a guy she turned me on to. It was awesome!

• We had a bit of drama with The Roughneck's ex roommate. See, I invited him and his boyfriend. Then there was whole bunch of drama with them and I wasn't supposed to know they broke up. In fact, I didn't find out that they had broken up and the other had moved out of state until the week of the wedding. The ex-roommate wanted to bring his new bf and I told him no. So he gets all pissed and says he's not coming. Fine. Look, it was a very intimate wedding with only people we knew and were close with. Neither The Roughneck or I knew this guy and I didn't want to meet him on my wedding. The ex-roommate relented and came by himself. HA!

• The wedding is over and done with. The Roughneck and I had a great two night/three day honeymoon. I didn't want to come back to the real world. Alas, I had to start the semester. :( It turned out ok though because this past week it was just me and him in the house and we took full advantage!!

• On Tuesday after the wedding, my MIL sat her two sons down and told them how their dad has been running around on her. The boys had had a problem with a stalker. They thought it was The Roughneck's ex. It wasn't. It was their dad's jilted girlfriend. And the story is that she's more loony than Bugs Bunny. The Roughneck is pretty pissed at, and hurt, by his dad. So am I. I am glad they waited until after the wedding to tell The Roughneck because he and I probably wouldn't have gotten married right then. It still pisses me off though that his dad is an asshole and there was tension between my parents-in-law at the wedding and people could tell. FIL has asked for forgiveness and I support The Roughneck in his decision. He doesn't know what that will be yet.

• Oh. The Roughneck was let go from his job in mid-December. From the church we were getting married at. The church where I have been a member for 15 years and where we met. That was a whole load of BS that is resulting in me leaving and transferring to another church. Bunch of money-grabbing hypocrites.

That's it for now. Sorry it's been so long. I don't seem to have much time for myself these days and it's taking it's toll on me mentally. I finally got a diagnosis of being bi-polar and somedays the meds help and other days not so much. But generally I am getting better. I think we have the dosage just about right.

Little Man is waiting on me for our Big Day of FUN. Children's Museaum and then a giant candy store and hot chocolate. What more could a Mama and Little Man want?

xoxo, Ruby Soho

Well, well...

Long time no see. Almost two months. And in that two months things have changed.

So, last time I was a few days away from seeing Lucero. Best show to see by myself, hands down. It was completely awesome. I'll never regret going to see them.

And, on the way back to my car, I spent hours talking to The Roughneck. He's the guy who works in the garage at church. I've known him quite some time, he works all the time and I saw him at the Big Music Fest back in March. Well, turns out he started asking questions then about me and the idiots there told him a bunch of crap. Didn't change his mind. He walked me to my car and asked for my number. He called the following Monday. We've been inseparable ever since. I am definitely not his type of girl. I'm older, taller, divorced, have a kid. I'm not blonde. And still he loves me and wishes to take care of me. He does take care of me. And Little Man. He already loves him like he's his own.

We all know I don't introduce my precious kid to people I don't think will be around in 6 months. Hell, there are friends of mine with whom I've been friends for years who haven't met him. So, this is Serious. Big time serious.

I've all but moved in with The Roughneck. Or he's all but moved in with me. It seems we're splitting time between his apartment and the house. There's some roommate drama at the apartment to deal with plus I have Little Man this month, so we're staying here. But there's drama here. Big ol' make-me-wanna-scream-and-run-and-not-look-back drama. He wants to help with that too.

Why is he The Roughneck? Well, he calls himself that. He's a maintenance man, a jack of all trades. He's a bit more country than I am. He's got tattoos and hangs with the boys. A roughneck. He's got good values and a nice work ethic. We match even though we're so different. He calls me The Princess because I'm spoiled and don't like to get dirty. So, we're The Roughneck and The Princess. Everyone who knows us is happy for us. An added bonus is my mom really, really likes him. Way more than the Ex-Huz. Oh, and The Roughneck hates BF. Hates. It's great.

So, coming soon to a church not near you...wedding bells perhaps? He's got a plan all worked out on when he's proposing and he won't tell me. Everyone else, yes. Me, no. And so I say we're unofficially engaged because he wants to do it right and give me everything I want and deserve. That means waiting to officially ask me and me officially say yes until a ring is present. And he's got his eye on one. We'll see how it plays out.

I'm currently sick. Yay for mid summer sinus infections when there are big plans on the horizon. I also have made The Roughneck sick when he's about to take 3 days of vacation to just be with me. I'm a great girlfriend, huh?

Don't stop Believing.

You know, I was going to come here and write about how down I've been feeling and how I'm kind of wanting to turn back into a hermit, but I'm not going to. I think I'd rather focus of the good right now.

I really just want to put on good music and jump around being silly. It's a good change from this morning when I almost bawled in the car and couldn't (and still can't) figure out why.

What else is good?

Semester is over! Granted, I only took one class, but it's finally over. I hope. I'll be going in this afternoon to check my grade on the departmental exam and I'm hoping I don't have to retake it. That would suck. But, I did win a prize for having a perfect score on the daily quizes, so that made me happy. And I like the professor so much I'm taking a class with him in the fall. Speaking of fall...

If I take 4 classes this fall and 4 in the spring, I'll graduate with my AA degree. Awesome. Then I'll transfer to Big College and finish up. This goal is driving me, I can't wait. Seriously.

Ok, you know what has me super pee-in-my-pants excited this week? LU-mother fucking-CERO tomoroow!

I seriously need to be better at writing. I've just been super busy. There are tons of people coming and going at all times of the day for my grandfather, who is still be his stubborn self, but things are better. A good thing.

Lots and lots of good things. I keep telling myself things are great, I'm doing fine. I'm finally starting to believe it.

Didn't I already say this?

Scenario: Boy likes girl, girl agrees to date boy. Boy is very sweet, but girl just wants to date and doesn't want to be his girlfriend and says so. Boy sends message and ends with "I love you." Girl flips her shit. Completely normal, right?

Because, seriously, it made me angry. Combined with his passive aggressive Facebook statuses, it's a little much. As in, if he couldn't see me, his status would be "having a shitty day" or "what a crappy day" or "not in the best of moods...but oh well, right? It's not like it matters." And then, after I told him why I was mad, they changed to "wow, I feel like an idiot" and "what a shitty day. I hope tomorrow is better."

I am very tired of men folks pinning their happiness on me. Perhaps I'm taking it wrong, but that's what it seems like to me. Maybe it's because I don't wear my proverbial heart on my sleeve or because I play it close to the vest, but Jesus H Christ on a cracker, could he be any needier?! I appreciate that he was honest enough to tell me his intention to date me seriously. I thought he'd appreciate my honesty when I said I didn't want to be anyone's girlfriend, I like how my life is right now quite a lot.

In talking to RepoGirl about the situation her response was "maybe you should date him." Hello? I am. "Well, only him then." Wait, WHAT? You're my BFF and you're taking his side? Because he dropped the "I Love You" bomb, I should just date him? She is so off her game, it's disturbing. Because, let's be honest. If I *only* dated the guys who said they loved me, well....I'd have dated a lot more than I have.

I'm not going to apologise for not wanting to be his girlfriend. He and I were best friends 12-15 years ago. We dated for a short time. I don't remember it much, because honestly, I was his girlfriend in name only and I'm pretty sure I dated two to four other guys during that time. (My mom gave me the best advice early in life: "Date, don't get serious with any one boy.") 10 years ago we didn't have the technology available to kids today. Instant messaging was still something you had to pay for. There was no Facebook or Myspace. Notes on paper, passed back and forth in hallways, on buses, through multiple friends, was the preferred method of communication. Text messages and cell phones did not exist in our high school world. And if your friend lived in far South Town and there was no car, no same school to pass notes in? You called on the phone after school and prayed to not get busted after 9 PM. (I had, and still have, a 9 PM phone curfew.) You sent real letters, through the mail. Kids today have it easy. And in some cases, I think that easiness translates to having it worse. You know what, I got off track. Let's go back.


I'm not going to apologise for how I feel. I don't really feel anything for Bosnia, not romantically. I agreed to date him to see if something would develop. This "situation" has thrown up the steel bomb shelter around my heart. I cannot, and will not, deal with someone like this again. Tennessee was enough.

He is 95.

You know why my blog always talks about whichever dude I'm into at the moment and never any heavy stuff? Because this is my escape from the heavy stuff. But, I'm so fucking angry and hurt that it has to go somewhere, so here.

I live with and take care of my 95 year old grandfather. I have lived with him practically my whole life. My mom has done all of the housework and groceries and EVERYTHING that whole time. Even when he wasn't living with us, she'd clean his house and buy groceries. Does he support me? Sure. He bought this house for me. I don't pay rent or utilities. He pays my car insurance and until last October, my gas. He has paid for school and books, not all of it, but some. But I don't not help out. I have worked. I've used my own money for home repairs. I took care of getting a new roof put on after a hail storm screwed ours up. I have driven him to doctor's appointments. Made sure the water was turned off in the kitchen, locked the front door, SHUT the front door. I have dealt with paying his bills when he has needed help. There isn't anything really that I haven't done, wouldn't do or am currently not doing to help him. (Ok, so I draw the line at wiping his ass and showering, but, I'm sorry...I just can't. But I'd be the one to call the home health aide.)

Things turned rough in July. Mom, Little Man and I went on vacation. Not far away, not without notice. We told him where we were going, left Post-Its with number on the cabinets. I arranged for my (non bio) sister to come in EVERY DAY to check on him. She lives in far, far South Town from here. She did it anyway because she loves him too. We were gone two or three days before he started calling around trying to find us. Saying he didn't know where we were or anything. Untrue! Notes on the cabinets. My aunt calls my cell phone and asks me to call her. When I do, she rips into me for leaving him there with nothing and him being worried and he has no food and blah blah blah. Did I mention she's in Arizona and has NO clue what goes on in this house? I had already talked to him, he was fine. Called my sister and she repeated he was fine. He had been bringing food into the house. Her boyfriend had taken the trash out, they did dishes. Everything was fine, he had just forgotten we went out of town. My grandmother was upset, my great aunt three towns up the road was upset (and she knows nothing either because shewon't lower herself to visit or spend time with anyone here). My great aunt who lives less than a mile away was coming by and bringing food. He was FINE. My aunt threw a giant hissy fit and said she was going to put him in a home. She cursed at me and Mom. When I told her she couldn't treat me that way, she screamed at me "I'll talk to you however I want you ungrateful little bitch." And I hung up on her, turned all the cell phones off and went on my way. I returned her Christmas present to me, I returned my grandmother's present to me, and I barely spoke to my aunt when she was here.

Present Day. My aunt has been trying to force my grandfather into a nursing home, to go live with my 95 year old grandmother who can't take care of herself, or to move to Arizona to live with her. She came down to take him to my grandmother's in March and had a helping hand in taking his keys away, which she now denies. She does not have daily interaction with him since she lives so far away and visits for 30 minutes twice a year, if that. Her daughter lives in this town and refuses to visit. She did not know he was on oxygen, she did not know about his health. It, frankly, is none of her business on a day to day basis. All she should be concerned about is "Is he healthy? Is he fed? Is he happy?". And the answers are yes, yes, and yes. How do I know? I drive him to the doctor and go in with him. I shop for food and, while I don't always cook it because he likes soup from cans, I do cook. And if he weren't happy, I'd know that too.

My grandfather will be 96 this year. He has atrial fibrillation and his heart fills 45 percent of his chest cavity. He has survived prostate cancer. He has untreated Parkinson's because it was just diagnosed, but he's had it for years. His memory is not good. He sundowns. He is shaky while walking, yet refuses to use a cane or walker despite being told to by doctors. He is on continuous oxygen, which he also refuses to use all the time. Until March, he was driving. His doctor says he does not need to be in a nursing home, he wouldn't last 60 days. I believe this. He is stubborn and does not want to accept help. He does not want anyone to clean his piles of stuff or get rid of anything. I understand this, it's part ofthe dementia.

Why do I help? I love him. I don't want him to be unhappy. I want him to retain as much independence as he can. Will I continue to help? YES. I do his laundry, drive him around, cook. Everything he will give up and let someone else do, I DO. I consider it an even trade.

Where am I going with this? Today Adult Protective Services came to the house, on an allegation that I (and my mother) am neglectful and abusive. He told the woman that these allegations are unfounded but that I am his primary caregiver. I am 28 years old and am fully responsible for my entire house. Why does it matter that he named me? If they decide to press charges, I am the one who goes to jail, who is punished. Oh, and my entire extended family hates me. Not only have I been named a bad mother, now I am just a bad person.

People ask what I do for a living. How do I answer that? I don't get paid for this. I just say I'm an elderly care-taker. I never get paid, I don't have benefits, and I NEVER have time off. Even when I am gone from the house I worry. "Did he leave the stove on or burn something up? Has he fallen? Is the water running, the door open?"

People ask how I cope. My answer? It's an honest one. "My liquor bill has gone waaay up." I've never been a big drinker, ever. These past weeks I have used every invitation to go out, to get away.

In 15 days I will go see my therapist. I will pay her $125 for validation, for her to tell me that I am a good person, more people should be like me and there is nothing wrong with me, perhapsI should not drink as much. $125 for something MY OWN FAMILY should tell me. I'd rather take that money and leave. Except I can't. If I leave, he dies. How do I balance it? I don't, I can't.

I'm tired of being that girl.

Long time, no see. Lots of bs has occurred. I'm just gonna jump right in.

I'm so tired of being that girl.

And now, an oldie, a blast from the past. Guy adds me on Facebook. Haven't seen him in almost 10 years, when he dumped me after band banquet. I'll call him Bosnia. Anyway, we hang out St. Paddy's Day. He tells me I really hurt him, he was really mad at me for a long time, but he got over it. Um, hello? He dumped me. Which he says is because I told him I was only going out with him on a dare. Entirely possible, but unlikely that I'd tell him that. I do have tact, jeez. But now he says he's good, we're good. And then tonight he says he'd like to be with me sometime in the not too distant future. Because he's never stopped caring.

So tired of being the girl everyone falls in love with and never gets over.

I don't want a boyfriend right this minute. Or even in five minutes. I just want to hang out and have fun. I don't want to answer to anyone. I want to be myself, not worry about pissing someone off by going out with someone who isn't them. Also, I don't want to have to go out when I don't want to, or answer my phone when I don't want to, or to text back when I just want to sleep or whatever.

I suppose I'm that girl because I'm nice. Really. For all that I try to say I'm a heinous bitch, it very rarely comes out and I usually feel awful after. I don't make fun of people, I don't say 90% of the shit I'm thinking in my head outloud. I'm a flirt. I'm pretty. (And modest, too!) I don't know WHY I'm so ... whatever it is I am. Because, honestly? I'm not interested in most people. I have a love, a long-term love (see Boy Wonder), that will always be first. And, I'm not easy to deal with. People seem to think I'm kidding when I say I'm high maintenance, demanding, picky and that I like to play mind games. I'm not kidding. But it never matters. They laugh it off. Or, in one case, the guy wanted to know what mind games I'd be playing so he could play along. Yeah, dude, that's not how it works. He was deemed "not fun" very quickly. Also, he reminded me of the ex-huz and um, yeah NO. I'm the fucking boss, ok?

In other news, I seem to be allergic to all narcotics save morphine and demoral. I had my wisdom teeth out Thursday and the dentist gave me Tylenol 3 since vicodin makes me scratch my skin off. Guess what? So does Tylenol 3 now. Yay! And you know, they don't just hand out the good stuff. I'm screwed, I guess. More benadryl for me.

Had to work big big big music fest this week. Well, before I had my teeth out that is. I've lived in this town 20 years and have never been. Went to my first showcase ever! It was nice. I wish I could have gone back for more, but there's always years in the future. By the way, check out Smokekiller and Jen Lane, both from Canada. They're pretty rad. Total sweethearts, too. I snuck into his set, but had to miss hers on Friday.

I have to pee now. Too much damn iced tea. Toodles!

Hiatical

Right, so, I'm going to be taking a hiatical. Now, I know that's not a word, but deal. I'm not going on vacation (OMG, hold on. I have to change the channel. Taylor Swift is on.), I'm staying right where I am. I'm not going on sabbatical, because I'm not taking that long off and this isn't my "career."

And I just like the word "hiatical."

I'll be back. Eventually. I just need to clear my head on some stuff. I'm still reading and commenting. I'm still doing @ replies on Twitter. (If you think I should follow you on Twitter and I'm not, let me know.) I'm just not being very active.

Thanks for everything, y'all. I mean it.

Fertility and Me

I've been giving a lot of thought to fertility the past month or so. It is something I struggle with pretty much daily, and sometimes I don't deal well. Let me take it back for you.

I got pregnant when I was 18, almost 19. Looking back, this in itself, was a miracle. I lost that baby at 5 weeks. I only knew I was pregnant because I took a pregnancy test. If I had not done that, I wouldn't have known. After the miscarriage, that ob/gyn said I had a small ovarian cyst that would go away on its own.

After several years of being on birth control and knowing I wanted to have a baby, I stopped taking them and we started trying. After trying for a year, my ob/gyn (the old guy whose name is on the door) had me start charting my cycles. I never did see any changes in temperature or anything else that is supposed to signal ovulation, but then again, I was only 21 or 22, so what did I know?

In April of 2004, I had an ovarian cyst burst. I suspect that I had one burst earlier, while I was at work, but it wasn't quite so bad. I was in a barely staffed office, so it was a holiday of some kind, and it was some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. But, I couldn't leave, and really, it just hurt when I breathed deep or moved, so I stayed. I thought perhaps I had pulled a muscle and I don't know how I thought I could have done that by sitting on my ass all day. My gp doctor agreed. Then came the big one, the one that sent me to the ER in an ambulance in the middle of the night. And when they did all the tests, they found, not one, not two, but more. Including one the size of an orange, or a baseball, or a grapefruit. Right on my ovary. And if that one had decided to go, well, there's a good chance I would have died before getting to the hospital.

So, I go back to my ob/gyn, who refers me to someone else in his practice, someone younger. And that doctor, when he looked at the sonogram, he said "Wow, it must really hurt to have sex." He could see that it was bad. It was at this point, he made a tentative diagnosis of endometriosis, pending a laparoscopy.

I was 23. I went through chemical menopause. I was told I'd have to have a complete hysterectomy by the time I was 30 or 35. That I was infertile. After my surgery, the diagnosis was firm.

I was told I had three months to get pregnant or my chances would return to zero. I got pregnant the first try. But to hear that I would have a zero percent chance? At 23? That I'd have to have a hysterectomy by 30...

After I had my beautiful, wonderfully big child, Doc told me I should have my kids back to back. Because of that looming deadline. I told him that unless he was paying for everything and helping, he could forget it. I wanted them spaced out, every 5 years or so.

My son turns 4 in June. I have baby fever. I am, once again, infertile. I will never have a baby without medical intervention.

I have a lying body. And that's what it is, a lying body. Month after month, cycle after cycle, lying to me, making me think there's a chance. There isn't one. I feel, I am, broken. There is no hope there.

Now, now there is a possibility of another hormonal thing wrong with me. And the treatments I've already done, the pharmaceutical ones, are horrible. As in, if you put me on another SSRI, I might just actually stab myself in the chest instead of just thinking about it. Hormone treatment just makes the original endometriosis worse. Therapy has helped some, but every month, I still have these episodes. Directly related to my lying body. There is another treatment, a permanent one. To have a hysterectomy.

I am 28. I want another child, to carry it, to conceive it, to love it. I do not want to think about having a hysterectomy. I am not yet 30. I hate my lying body, but I am not ready to give up, not yet.

I look Fantastic.

I may or may not feel fantastic, but I sure as hell look it. And the day is dreary and gross, so perhaps I will bring someone some joy because I look so great.

I've been out with Repo Girl and Miss M this past weekend. That was fun. Went for drinks and then some karaoke after. And then Repo Girl and I went repoing last night and that was some freaky shit. Why? Because we went out to the rural area and that shit was dark and there were some houses straight out of Chainsaw Massacre out there. I figured out why she brought me though. She's all, "They lynch people out here" and I'm all "I know you, don't think they won't lynch me" and we start laughing. And then she makes a U-ey at one of those creepy houses and I'm all, "I'm pretty sure the white chick dies in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, too." We did find our car though and all was good. This was my first hooking so it was exciting.

Saturday was the Ordination of a close family friend, so I went to that. It was awesome! (Minus the whole part where I got a bit turned on. I mean, for Chuck's sake, I was in church.) I'd never been to an Ordination before and it was very positive and moving. And honestly, I love her so much and think she's a great person, so she'll make a phenomenal priest.

I know there is a video of me doing Detachabe Penis at karaoke, but Panda made it private so I can't link it. Yes, I did Detachable Penis. Because, how awesome is that? And then I got up with another friend and did Achy Breaky Heart. Sadly, JPanda was not there to pick my songs and so I was left with Repo Girl to help me pick. And she listens to some right shit. Like, I like Madonna, but only 80s/early 90s Madonna, not mid-90s/early 00's mediocre Madonna. I also realise I am a gay man in a woman's body. OH! I got invited to a gay bar for the first time ever Saturday, but didn't go because I wasn't feeling very well. I was tired. But that's the first time a gay dude has invited me to go! I am sorry I missed it.

So, there's a slight update. I need to remember to write, I'm just such a damn private person that this is sometimes hard, you know?

It was over before it even began.

A reminder for the future:

Do not announce your happiness as it will turn out to be fleeting.

Merry 2009, y'all!

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Also, I am feeling better. Thank you.

"Prayer"
Galway Kinnell

Whatever happens. Whatever
what is is is what
I want. Only that. But that.

_______________________________________________________


“Divorce”
Jack Gilbert

Woke up suddenly thinking I heard crying.
Rushed through the dark house.
Stopped, remembering. Stood looking
out at bright moonlight on concrete.

________________________________________________________


"Two Cures For Love"
Wendy Cope

1. Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: get to know him better.

__________________________________________________________


"On Joy and Sorrow"
Kahlil Gibran

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the self same well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

_______________________________________________________

the silver blade calls out to me
"i can make it stop, take it all away"
in truth, i don't know the truth.
i no longer know wrong from right.
my heart is no longer mine, it is breaking, each day more and more.
to wait is pain.
to let go is death.
i see the crimson ribbons streak across the white.

Happy Christmas!

Snow? WTD is that?

I think it is snowing again. I know it was snowing an hour ago because I was standing in it and looking like an idiot trying to catch snow flakes on my tongue. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? I think so. I could be wrong I guess. I only remember it snowing here.....um, never. I vaguely remember snow on the ground but not falling once. And the other two times I've seen snow falling from the sky was two different visits to Connecticut. Yeah.

I am only semi-digging Josh Groban's Christmas album. Quit deucing up my songs, fool. Damn. Even Alvin and the Chipmunks don't mess them up. Oh, wait. That's my basis for comparison. I freaking loooooove me some Chipmunks Christmas album and DVD. As in, my family tries to hide them every year. They haven't learned yet that I will go buy new ones if mine disappear. For realz.

Real update later. FOAF has pissed everyone off, to the point everyone's blowing him off. I've been hanging out with some new old friends and that may be causing a problem. I don't think creepy middle school guy who had a severe stalking crush is over it. Damn, I should have saved those texts to refer back to. Oh, well, let's hope my frozen brain remembers later!

I'd love to say I haven't been busy.

Ok, so this like a fly by post because I'm actually pissed at FOAF today and it shows. RepoGirl actually said I was in an angry mood and all she had heard was hi. Deucing stupid deucing idiot.

I have been busy. Do you know how hard it is to pee when you have a dog who is not a lap dog by the way trying to sit in your lap? So not easy. And if I shut him out, he whines. Not little dog whines, but huge drawn out big dog whines. Also, he won't pee or poo if he's in the yeard by himself. Nooooo, someone has to go out with him at 2 freaking AM when it's cold as shit and stand there. And then he thinks it's play time and I'm all "Go the deuce back to sleep, yo."

Ok, so, busy busy. FOAF was over Friday and Saturday and let's not even go there because I'd really just like to slap him in the head and yell at him. Also on Saturday I had to take all three dogs to the vet and then I made cookies. They were delicious. Need to make more this weekend. Then I had a meeting on Monday for the high school's Campus Advisory Committee, which instead of doing what was planned, we talked about how the school has to be "restructured" because of all this No Child Left Behind bullshit and test scores. That will probably end up being a whole nother post. Then I went to dinner with an old friend from high school and when FOAF found out he was all jealous and I was all "shades of my ex, fuck off." I think I didn't do much Tuesday or Wednesday til I hit up a jazz band concert and well that was fun. Then Thursday, I went to lunch and a movie with said prior old friend (Shorty) and then late that evening went to dinner with another old friend from high school. I'm all nostalgic I guess. And FOAF is still pissy about all of it and I'm over it. I'd rather hang out with people who aren't going to bitch about their situation and then not do anything about it. Whatevs, y'all.

So, now here I am, freezing my ass off while Chunk is sleeping quite sweatily next to me. He's like a human heater in pint size form. His dad brought him over yesterday to try on a heavy winter jacket and Chunk played with Spike and had a good time. When we came in, he said he was going to get on my bed to take a nap. He was here to stay. He told his daddy he wanted to stay. Asshole made him go. AND I know he didn't take him back to his house and feed him lunch and give him a nap despite the baby saying he was hungry and tired. Way to go, deucenut. Father of the year, right there.

Ok, I'm actually pretty angry for really no good reason. I have got to stop this shit. For realz. It'll pass, in time. Now, who's got the time speeder up thingy?

Meet Spike!

I have been so busy this past week. I generally don't read or post when I've got Chunk and then you add on the new addition and I'm very tired. So, who is this new addition? Well, meet Spike.




He's an almost 5 month old German Shorthaired Pointer. He is not a hunting dog for us, even though the breed is. As the breeder told me "He's chickenshit and gun shy. He'd rather lay in your lap and watch tv." So, he's perfect for us. Chunk is very happy and calls Spike his "perfect puppy." They play together and chase each other. I'm teaching Spike to play fetch so next time Chunk comes home they can. Spike does very good on a leash for no training. No pulling, which is great! Oh, and he's a great bird dog. He pointed at the frozen turkey after it fell out of the fridge but completely ignored the doves on the ground in the backyard.

One more picture, of Chunk and his Spike and then I'm off. Have a great Thanksgiving in the States and a great Thursday if you're not. I'll be watching the BIG GAME tomorrow night and probably throwing things at my TV. It'll be great.

I just don't have any answers.

This morning I got a phone call. Not too unusual, people do call me you know. But this was from a girl I haven't seen or heard from in quite some time. We weren't friends, we were friendly in a parenting class I took. She was court ordered to be there, Child Protective Services was involved. She still had her kids, this was just to insure she didn't lose them. Her husband was a classic stereotype, controlling and just didn't care. She ended up becoming pregnant and didn't know how. (Really? You're twenty-something and have had to kids and you STILL don't know how that happens?? Oooookay.)

So, she calls. And her now three kids have been taken away. It seems her husband quit/lost his job and had them alternately living on the streets or at his sister's. The sister was tired of them being there and called CPS and had the kids removed. The girl who called me has been living in a car in a grocery store parking lot. She called me from a CARITAS group. She was asking me what she should do. She wants her kids back, but she has no skills, no support, no education. (This is usually where I'd make a joke about her being from backwater Georgia, but I just can't.) She doesn't think she qualifies to go to the women's shelter, but won't find out. Her husband is still controlling, still lazy, still treats her like crap. This time she's tired of it. Does she realise she has a tough decision, him or her kids? Yes, and she's trying to pick her kids. CPS has told her that he has to do the same services (protective parenting, therapy, parenting classes and so on) as she does to regain them. And he isn't. She wants out.

And I don't know how to help. I suggested she go to a different homeless resource center. I gave her a name to ask for, told her to tell them I sent her. I know these people, I know they know how to help her, more than I can. I feel bad for her, but I can't help her. Some days I can barely help myself. I hope she finds help, soon, so she can get her beautiful children back. I know, actually first hand know, what she's going through. My situation was different, but I KNOW.

Need a lullabye, a kiss goodnight

I have no idea what other things went on. My memory is a little lacking these days. I am still not 100%, despite me going out and doing things. I've not been reading blogs either. I feel bad, but sometimes things have to go to the wayside and I guess that's one thing.

I love the freaking eye candy at work. So fucking cute. And I'm smart enough to not get into anything. Hell nah. He's just pretty to look at.

FOAF and I hung out. And by hung out I mean he played WoW and I slept. I know how it is to be cooped up in a house with nothing to do, so I invited him over to use my internet since that new expansion came out. And he stayed. All night. Which I was kind of figuring anyway. So, he played, I did some other stuff and then went to sleep. It was a late night and I don't exactly sleep well if there's other stuff going on, but I managed. And apparently I managed to NOT talk in my sleep which is a good thing. So, here's a guy who likes me, in my bed with me in jammies and sleeping and NOTHING HAPPENED. I think this is very rare. (And yes, I know all about "But he was playing WoW so it totally doesn't count." Most guys would have tried to cop a feel no matter what. I'm just that hot and sexy.) He ended up staying until I left to go to karaoke with JPanda and crew. FOAF and I are supposed to head down the road to the friend's house, but FOAF is still feeling anti social a bit and I need a damn nap. I took one last night while The Wizard of Oz was on. I vaguely remember the Tin Man and then nothing until the Witch got melted.

Karaoke was last night. I SAID I wasn't going to drink anything and then ended up with two very yummy shots, and amaretto sour and some fucked up whisky drink that I left on the table because damn. That shit was strong and gross. I also let JPanda pick out what I was singing and ended up with Britney Spears' Toxic. Which prompted some guy behind our table to proclaim that damn, he would drink my urine. OMG, gross. I think that must have been the same guy who later threw a wadded up napkin at us. Mature, real mature. I did get hit on my some guy named Giovanni, a short guy who was trying to use The Pick Up Artist's tips. I am hip to that though and didn't let him isolate me. (What? That show is awesome. I learn so much. I think more guys should watch it.) Anyway, I apparently didn't suck so bad, despite having laughed until I was practically crying right before that. See, I had dropped my chicken strip and it rolled somewhere. Found out it was under someone's chair. And she said it looked like a chicken turd. And that they were going to throw it at me while I was on stage. You know what? This doesn't sound funny at all. Sorry, you're invited next time! And I'm pretty sure there are now pictures and a video of Panda and me dancing while JPanda did Beat It. We were crazy!

FOAF and I also saw Repo! The Genetic Opera on Tuesday. I think I'm glad I didn't have any expectations going into it. Because I laughed all the way through it. FOAF looks over and goes "Wow, you laugh at really wrong stuff" or something like that. I don't know, I was probably laughing at the guy getting his spine repossessed without anesthesia. I'm not one for gory films, but this one HAD to be tongue-in-cheek because it was hilarious. The gore was splashy and great. And the storyline was weak, but decent. The singing was over the top theatrical. Anthony Head (why did he drop the Stewart?) is awesome, as always. I loved that Buffy episode where he sang. He's got a great voice. I'll always love him from those coffee commercials from BEFORE he did Buffy. Not surprisingly, Paris Hilton was weak, but she was barely in it, so HA! I loved the part where she looked like Darth Maul. Fucking great. Anyway, if you get a chance to see this movie and need a laugh and don't have a weak stomach, go see this. Otherwise, look for it on DVD when it comes out. It's not widely released so you may have a problem finding it in theatres, but try. If you see it and absolutely hate it and think I'm out of my mind, well, yes, I AM, but you can complain and I'll make it up to you.

The friend is jealous that FOAF is spending time with me and talking to me. The friend that set us up (Z? for lack of a better alias) keeps asking questions that are none of his business. And I tell him that and I know he's joking about it for the most part, but still, gossip much? And then he calls ME because when he called FOAF he didn't answer and knows we're together and then is all "Is he mad at me?" WTD? (What the deuce? Because I've gotta quit using the "F" word. So I'm replacing it with "deuce.") Do NOT put me in the middle of this. And get out of the middle of whatever may or may not be occurring with me and FOAF, k?

And JPanda and Panda both thought that other guy from before was gay. So now we're back to that. And we're leaving it at that. There's been no contact. And I'm okay with that.

Now that I've left work and committed myself to going down the road, I suppose I should. Z tried to put me in the middle again and I'm just not having it. Hopefully some driving with music will clear my head. I'm feeling a bit anti-social myself today.