Thursday, July 1, 2010

I needed a yellow shirt to wear today. Looking in my drawer, I only had one. My Sweden shirt from a dear, dear friend. I wore it. And it made me think.

Oh, Sweden, how I miss you. I miss you like crazy. I was a complete ass to you and I regret it. I was selfish and impatient and stupid. I know that there is no going back, no forgiveness, but I wish there was.

Sweden's not just a place on a map for me. It's a person. I don't know how or why he found me, but he did. And we...well, we were friends. More than friends perhaps. Packages and letters back and forth. Marathon video calls. Pages upon pages of IMs.

And I miss him.

I had met someone new. A local idiot. I broke contact with Sweden. I was stupid. After the local idiot was gone, I reconnected, but it wasn't the same. It couldn't be. I regret that.

Even though I've moved on and so has he, each in our own lives, I miss the marathon conversations. I miss seeing his face all the time, even if he does live on the other side of the world. I miss him making fun of me for my horrible Swedish or for never being out of bed when we talked. I miss hearing how his races went, worrying if his travels were safe. But you know what? I still do that, I still worry about him. I try to track his stats during track season. I pray that he's safe during his travels. My phone password is related to him. Even if were not friends and don't talk anymore. I still look for him on messenger. Makes me sound crazy, doesn't it?

So, I miss him. I worry about him. It sucks. The last time we communicated, he had been in New York. It made me wish that we were still friends, because he could have come here. And I hope that if he ever did make it to my neck of the woods, he'd at least email me. It's hopeful thinking and I need to let it go.

But I'm keeping my shirt. And I can still tell you what time it is in Sweden just by looking at my watch. When I hear certain songs, I still think about him.

Jag är ledsen min vän och jag saknar dig.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Wedding Playlist

When The Roughneck and I got married, I made him a mix CD for his wedding present. It was full of music I like, not so much what he likes. This is the playlist, complete with videos! Well, almost all videos. All for y'all.

I even titled it something cool, but now I can't remember what it was and The Roughneck can't actually find the CD. Oops.

January Wedding-The Avett Brothers

Use Somebody-Kings of Leon

Easy-Cory Branan (Not a video, I don't know why the only video of this song on YouTube is Ben Nichols.)

We've Only Just Begun-Gals Panic (There is no video on anything nor is there any audio of this anywhere. And I'm too lazy/inept to upload it myself. It's a cover of the Carpenters' song, just done in ska and the f-bomb makes an appearance.)

Have a Little Faith in Me-John Hiatt

Love Struck Baby-Stevie Ray Vaughan (We went to his statue on our first date because The Roughneck couldn't think of anywhere else to take me and he didn't want to take me home yet. We had our first kiss there. And our "extra" session with the wedding photographer was there.)

When It Don't Come Easy-Patty Griffin

Forver-Ben Harper

Livin' On A Prayer-Bon Jovi (OMG the hair!)

Kind and Generous-Natalie Merchant

Love Song-311

Reach Out I'll Be There-The Four Tops

The House is Rockin'-Stevie Ray Vaughan

I Got You Babe-Sonny and Cher

Make You Feel My Love-Adele

Walkaround-Cory Branan

This is how Cory is normally, live. He's awesome and I love him. You should too. (Walkaround Live Show)

I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas

And I'm currently working on two different mixes. Another one for The Roughneck and one from high school. That's the one that'll be interesting. I find it interesting that we met after a Lucero show, but there's no Lucero on the mix. There just wasn't anything good enough. Mr. Branan, on the other hand, is on there twice. Go figure. I debated explaining why I picked these songs, but if you really want to know, you'll ask, right?


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Geez, y'all! How about an update?

In a nutshell:

  • The Roughneck officially moved in in June. He ended up paying rent on an apartment he didn't live in and barely visited. He said it was worth it to live with me. Although, he complains about lack of closet space. ;) How much could a guy have to hang up??
  • I got engaged in July. It was wonderful! Right before the 4th of July because he just couldn't wait. The ring is beautiful, a ruby heart. You know, because he gave me his heart in July.
  • I started my fall semester of school. It was pretty hard. I had to take an anthropology class. I do not like science. Especially science classes that require a research paper on stuff I can't even understand. I got a B in that class though! Lit made me read The Awakening by Kate Chopin. If I could go back in time and meet one person, I'd meet her and ask her what it was really all about. And then shove it down her throat. I pulled a B in that class too. The other two classes were nothing to write home about.
  • I joined the history society. I figure it'll look good on my transcript. Last semester I was the "extra" officer. Hey, go big or go home, right? This semester I'm the secretary. Yay, promotion!
  • The Roughneck and I set a date for the wedding. Then we moved it up a couple months. The reason why is not something I want to talk about anymore. It was something that necessitated moving it, but now doesn't exist. I am trying to be ok with that and getting better at it.
  • I managed to plan 95% of the wedding during December. His mom is a piece of work, let me tell you! First, she wanted to have the reception at the church. Um, no. Then at a VFW hall in BFE. Or their church in a town 45 minutes away. And then, back the the church idea, if I'd just move it to say, 10 AM, she'd pay to have the Save the Dates reprinted. I didn't have Save the Dates, I had already sent the invites! ARGH! My mom ended up paying for the reception and said I could have it wherever I wanted. I found a space and it was really cool.
  • So, the wedding? January 16th. It was beautiful. Well, that's what I hear anyway. I was so nervous and happy and excited and trying not to cry that I don't remember all of it. Bits and pieces keep coming to me. Like me leaning over to The Roughneck when his brother was doing the reading and saying "Oh, yeah. I forgot he couldn't read." It was a family joke, but he is a slow reader. I'm glad he got the short one. I almost cried coming up the aisle when I saw The Roughneck and he almost did the same. My sister's boyfriend took video of our vows and gave it to us. It was so pretty! It made me cry and I'm tearing up right now. In the video, you can see how nervous I was and how I almost lost it. The Roughneck crossed his eyes though and it made me laugh. As a matter of fact, I giggled through the whole thing practically. It's my nervous tic.
  • Lots of people came. All of his friends, his brother from out of state, his niece from out of town. Not all of my people got to come and I was disappointed. I had wanted at least 1 person from my dad's family to show up, but none of them could make it. L&C couldn't make it either, but it was like she was there anyway. My iPod started playing an entire album of a guy she turned me on to. It was awesome!
  • We had a bit of drama with The Roughneck's ex roommate. See, I invited him and his boyfriend. Then there was whole bunch of drama with them and I wasn't supposed to know they broke up. In fact, I didn't find out that they had broken up and the other had moved out of state until the week of the wedding. The ex-roommate wanted to bring his new bf and I told him no. So he gets all pissed and says he's not coming. Fine. Look, it was a very intimate wedding with only people we knew and were close with. Neither The Roughneck or I knew this guy and I didn't want to meet him on my wedding. The ex-roommate relented and came by himself. HA!
  • The wedding is over and done with. The Roughneck and I had a great two night/three day honeymoon. I didn't want to come back to the real world. Alas, I had to start the semester. :( It turned out ok though because this past week it was just me and him in the house and we took full advantage!!
  • On Tuesday after the wedding, my MIL sat her two sons down and told them how their dad has been running around on her. The boys had had a problem with a stalker. They thought it was The Roughneck's ex. It wasn't. It was their dad's jilted girlfriend. And the story is that she's more loony than Bugs Bunny. The Roughneck is pretty pissed at, and hurt, by his dad. So am I. I am glad they waited until after the wedding to tell The Roughneck because he and I probably wouldn't have gotten married right then. It still pisses me off though that his dad is an asshole and there was tension between my parents-in-law at the wedding and people could tell. FIL has asked for forgiveness and I support The Roughneck in his decision. He doesn't know what that will be yet.
  • Oh. The Roughneck was let go from his job in mid-December. From the church we were getting married at. The church where I have been a member for 15 years and where we met. That was a whole load of BS that is resulting in me leaving and transferring to another church. Bunch of money-grabbing hypocrites.

That's it for now. Sorry it's been so long. I don't seem to have much time for myself these days and it's taking it's toll on me mentally. I finally got a diagnosis of being bi-polar and somedays the meds help and other days not so much. But generally I am getting better. I think we have the dosage just about right.

Little Man is waiting on me for our Big Day of FUN. Children's Museaum and then a giant candy store and hot chocolate. What more could a Mama and Little Man want?

xoxo, Ruby Soho

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Well, well...

Long time no see. Almost two months. And in that two months things have changed.

So, last time I was a few days away from seeing Lucero. Best show to see by myself, hands down. It was completely awesome. I'll never regret going to see them.

And, on the way back to my car, I spent hours talking to The Roughneck. He's the guy who works in the garage at church. I've known him quite some time, he works all the time and I saw him at the Big Music Fest back in March. Well, turns out he started asking questions then about me and the idiots there told him a bunch of crap. Didn't change his mind. He walked me to my car and asked for my number. He called the following Monday. We've been inseparable ever since. I am definitely not his type of girl. I'm older, taller, divorced, have a kid. I'm not blonde. And still he loves me and wishes to take care of me. He does take care of me. And Little Man. He already loves him like he's his own.

We all know I don't introduce my precious kid to people I don't think will be around in 6 months. Hell, there are friends of mine with whom I've been friends for years who haven't met him. So, this is Serious. Big time serious.

I've all but moved in with The Roughneck. Or he's all but moved in with me. It seems we're splitting time between his apartment and the house. There's some roommate drama at the apartment to deal with plus I have Little Man this month, so we're staying here. But there's drama here. Big ol' make-me-wanna-scream-and-run-and-not-look-back drama. He wants to help with that too.

Why is he The Roughneck? Well, he calls himself that. He's a maintenance man, a jack of all trades. He's a bit more country than I am. He's got tattoos and hangs with the boys. A roughneck. He's got good values and a nice work ethic. We match even though we're so different. He calls me The Princess because I'm spoiled and don't like to get dirty. So, we're The Roughneck and The Princess. Everyone who knows us is happy for us. An added bonus is my mom really, really likes him. Way more than the Ex-Huz. Oh, and The Roughneck hates BF. Hates. It's great.

So, coming soon to a church not near bells perhaps? He's got a plan all worked out on when he's proposing and he won't tell me. Everyone else, yes. Me, no. And so I say we're unofficially engaged because he wants to do it right and give me everything I want and deserve. That means waiting to officially ask me and me officially say yes until a ring is present. And he's got his eye on one. We'll see how it plays out.

I'm currently sick. Yay for mid summer sinus infections when there are big plans on the horizon. I also have made The Roughneck sick when he's about to take 3 days of vacation to just be with me. I'm a great girlfriend, huh?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Don't stop Believing.

You know, I was going to come here and write about how down I've been feeling and how I'm kind of wanting to turn back into a hermit, but I'm not going to. I think I'd rather focus of the good right now.

I really just want to put on good music and jump around being silly. It's a good change from this morning when I almost bawled in the car and couldn't (and still can't) figure out why.

What else is good?

Semester is over! Granted, I only took one class, but it's finally over. I hope. I'll be going in this afternoon to check my grade on the departmental exam and I'm hoping I don't have to retake it. That would suck. But, I did win a prize for having a perfect score on the daily quizes, so that made me happy. And I like the professor so much I'm taking a class with him in the fall. Speaking of fall...

If I take 4 classes this fall and 4 in the spring, I'll graduate with my AA degree. Awesome. Then I'll transfer to Big College and finish up. This goal is driving me, I can't wait. Seriously.

Ok, you know what has me super pee-in-my-pants excited this week? LU-mother fucking-CERO tomoroow!

I seriously need to be better at writing. I've just been super busy. There are tons of people coming and going at all times of the day for my grandfather, who is still be his stubborn self, but things are better. A good thing.

Lots and lots of good things. I keep telling myself things are great, I'm doing fine. I'm finally starting to believe it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Didn't I already say this?

Scenario: Boy likes girl, girl agrees to date boy. Boy is very sweet, but girl just wants to date and doesn't want to be his girlfriend and says so. Boy sends message and ends with "I love you." Girl flips her shit. Completely normal, right?

Because, seriously, it made me angry. Combined with his passive aggressive Facebook statuses, it's a little much. As in, if he couldn't see me, his status would be "having a shitty day" or "what a crappy day" or "not in the best of moods...but oh well, right? It's not like it matters." And then, after I told him why I was mad, they changed to "wow, I feel like an idiot" and "what a shitty day. I hope tomorrow is better."

I am very tired of men folks pinning their happiness on me. Perhaps I'm taking it wrong, but that's what it seems like to me. Maybe it's because I don't wear my proverbial heart on my sleeve or because I play it close to the vest, but Jesus H Christ on a cracker, could he be any needier?! I appreciate that he was honest enough to tell me his intention to date me seriously. I thought he'd appreciate my honesty when I said I didn't want to be anyone's girlfriend, I like how my life is right now quite a lot.

In talking to RepoGirl about the situation her response was "maybe you should date him." Hello? I am. "Well, only him then." Wait, WHAT? You're my BFF and you're taking his side? Because he dropped the "I Love You" bomb, I should just date him? She is so off her game, it's disturbing. Because, let's be honest. If I *only* dated the guys who said they loved me, well....I'd have dated a lot more than I have.

I'm not going to apologise for not wanting to be his girlfriend. He and I were best friends 12-15 years ago. We dated for a short time. I don't remember it much, because honestly, I was his girlfriend in name only and I'm pretty sure I dated two to four other guys during that time. (My mom gave me the best advice early in life: "Date, don't get serious with any one boy.") 10 years ago we didn't have the technology available to kids today. Instant messaging was still something you had to pay for. There was no Facebook or Myspace. Notes on paper, passed back and forth in hallways, on buses, through multiple friends, was the preferred method of communication. Text messages and cell phones did not exist in our high school world. And if your friend lived in far South Town and there was no car, no same school to pass notes in? You called on the phone after school and prayed to not get busted after 9 PM. (I had, and still have, a 9 PM phone curfew.) You sent real letters, through the mail. Kids today have it easy. And in some cases, I think that easiness translates to having it worse. You know what, I got off track. Let's go back.

I'm not going to apologise for how I feel. I don't really feel anything for Bosnia, not romantically. I agreed to date him to see if something would develop. This "situation" has thrown up the steel bomb shelter around my heart. I cannot, and will not, deal with someone like this again. Tennessee was enough.

Friday, April 3, 2009

He is 95.

You know why my blog always talks about whichever dude I'm into at the moment and never any heavy stuff? Because this is my escape from the heavy stuff. But, I'm so fucking angry and hurt that it has to go somewhere, so here.

I live with and take care of my 95 year old grandfather. I have lived with him practically my whole life. My mom has done all of the housework and groceries and EVERYTHING that whole time. Even when he wasn't living with us, she'd clean his house and buy groceries. Does he support me? Sure. He bought this house for me. I don't pay rent or utilities. He pays my car insurance and until last October, my gas. He has paid for school and books, not all of it, but some. But I don't not help out. I have worked. I've used my own money for home repairs. I took care of getting a new roof put on after a hail storm screwed ours up. I have driven him to doctor's appointments. Made sure the water was turned off in the kitchen, locked the front door, SHUT the front door. I have dealt with paying his bills when he has needed help. There isn't anything really that I haven't done, wouldn't do or am currently not doing to help him. (Ok, so I draw the line at wiping his ass and showering, but, I'm sorry...I just can't. But I'd be the one to call the home health aide.)

Things turned rough in July. Mom, Little Man and I went on vacation. Not far away, not without notice. We told him where we were going, left Post-Its with number on the cabinets. I arranged for my (non bio) sister to come in EVERY DAY to check on him. She lives in far, far South Town from here. She did it anyway because she loves him too. We were gone two or three days before he started calling around trying to find us. Saying he didn't know where we were or anything. Untrue! Notes on the cabinets. My aunt calls my cell phone and asks me to call her. When I do, she rips into me for leaving him there with nothing and him being worried and he has no food and blah blah blah. Did I mention she's in Arizona and has NO clue what goes on in this house? I had already talked to him, he was fine. Called my sister and she repeated he was fine. He had been bringing food into the house. Her boyfriend had taken the trash out, they did dishes. Everything was fine, he had just forgotten we went out of town. My grandmother was upset, my great aunt three towns up the road was upset (and she knows nothing either because shewon't lower herself to visit or spend time with anyone here). My great aunt who lives less than a mile away was coming by and bringing food. He was FINE. My aunt threw a giant hissy fit and said she was going to put him in a home. She cursed at me and Mom. When I told her she couldn't treat me that way, she screamed at me "I'll talk to you however I want you ungrateful little bitch." And I hung up on her, turned all the cell phones off and went on my way. I returned her Christmas present to me, I returned my grandmother's present to me, and I barely spoke to my aunt when she was here.

Present Day. My aunt has been trying to force my grandfather into a nursing home, to go live with my 95 year old grandmother who can't take care of herself, or to move to Arizona to live with her. She came down to take him to my grandmother's in March and had a helping hand in taking his keys away, which she now denies. She does not have daily interaction with him since she lives so far away and visits for 30 minutes twice a year, if that. Her daughter lives in this town and refuses to visit. She did not know he was on oxygen, she did not know about his health. It, frankly, is none of her business on a day to day basis. All she should be concerned about is "Is he healthy? Is he fed? Is he happy?". And the answers are yes, yes, and yes. How do I know? I drive him to the doctor and go in with him. I shop for food and, while I don't always cook it because he likes soup from cans, I do cook. And if he weren't happy, I'd know that too.

My grandfather will be 96 this year. He has atrial fibrillation and his heart fills 45 percent of his chest cavity. He has survived prostate cancer. He has untreated Parkinson's because it was just diagnosed, but he's had it for years. His memory is not good. He sundowns. He is shaky while walking, yet refuses to use a cane or walker despite being told to by doctors. He is on continuous oxygen, which he also refuses to use all the time. Until March, he was driving. His doctor says he does not need to be in a nursing home, he wouldn't last 60 days. I believe this. He is stubborn and does not want to accept help. He does not want anyone to clean his piles of stuff or get rid of anything. I understand this, it's part ofthe dementia.

Why do I help? I love him. I don't want him to be unhappy. I want him to retain as much independence as he can. Will I continue to help? YES. I do his laundry, drive him around, cook. Everything he will give up and let someone else do, I DO. I consider it an even trade.

Where am I going with this? Today Adult Protective Services came to the house, on an allegation that I (and my mother) am neglectful and abusive. He told the woman that these allegations are unfounded but that I am his primary caregiver. I am 28 years old and am fully responsible for my entire house. Why does it matter that he named me? If they decide to press charges, I am the one who goes to jail, who is punished. Oh, and my entire extended family hates me. Not only have I been named a bad mother, now I am just a bad person.

People ask what I do for a living. How do I answer that? I don't get paid for this. I just say I'm an elderly care-taker. I never get paid, I don't have benefits, and I NEVER have time off. Even when I am gone from the house I worry. "Did he leave the stove on or burn something up? Has he fallen? Is the water running, the door open?"

People ask how I cope. My answer? It's an honest one. "My liquor bill has gone waaay up." I've never been a big drinker, ever. These past weeks I have used every invitation to go out, to get away.

In 15 days I will go see my therapist. I will pay her $125 for validation, for her to tell me that I am a good person, more people should be like me and there is nothing wrong with me, perhapsI should not drink as much. $125 for something MY OWN FAMILY should tell me. I'd rather take that money and leave. Except I can't. If I leave, he dies. How do I balance it? I don't, I can't.